Posthumous

I'm on the train to teach and I'm surrounded by people. And all I keep thinking is how alone I am. As the tears well up. And I think about how hopeless I feel and wonder where all my dreams and ambitions went. When did I lose them? How? Did they fall out of my pockets? Spill onto the sidewalk? Did they fall at the same time you did?

Every day feels so hard. That same monotony. That same feeling of nothing. Nothing. No thing.

Psyche + Eros

You asked me why I was single, once.
"I'm too busy. Plus I don't believe in love," I told you.
You thought that was sad.
But you said you were too busy to be dating anyone, too.
Yet somehow we found time for each other.
Six dates in one week.
Countless messages, phone calls.
So many inside jokes as we wove the web of our private world.
In secret, for we didn't want to share what we had.
And then you left for your adventure, as you had planned.
"I'll see you soon," not "goodbye!"
Because you were coming back.
Because I was never good at goodbyes.
So instead you wrote me postcards on your travels.
You invited me to come join you, on the back of your bike.
See the world together.
We talked about what would happen when you returned.
We planned an idea of a life together.
Planned our next adventures.
Batgirl and the riddler. Against the world.
Our alter egos in our private world.
A world that's gone now. Broken into a thousand pieces.
Now that you're gone.
How can life go on when you're not coming back?
When every task seems a chore.
When every little thing reminds me of you.
Last time we spoke you told me I owed you a poem.
But this isn't what I was supposed to write.
It was supposed to be about happiness, love.
It was supposed to be about anything but this.
So now you go on to your next adventure.
Through the fields of asphodel and into elysium.
Into the great beyond.
Your taught me it was okay to love again and I fell for you.
Over and over again.
Forever in my heart, forever in my love.
I miss you already, Al.

Al

I LOVED YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.

The Model

I came to see you in Baan Tai.
Baan fucking Tai.
Well I guess it's not that far when you're already in Koh Phangan. Really.
You picked me up on your motorbike,
Like nothing had changed.
"Hey you," you said in that accent,
Like nothing had changed.
From last year when you lived in Sydney,
When we spoke every day.
When I was falling for you,
And when I was just a game.
I remember once, asking if you were happy.
"No. But I'm trying to be. Every day."
I wonder if you're happy now,
In Baan fucking Tai.
Where it's always summer,
Where you're always loved,
Where you ran away to.
And where I found you,
For just five days.
Where I tried to holiday.
And where you tried,
To start over.

Taylor Squared

So here I am. It's only 2:12am.

And my pupils? Totally dilated.

They've been like that for a while,

Before midnight. Before I saw you.

Traipsing back to your apartment,

As I stumbled, in arms, to the next bar.

That girl on your arm.

Like me but smaller.

Like me but different.

Do you cook her dinner?

Watch movies together?

Take baths?

Is it the same with every girl?

Or am I different? Am I the girl?

The girl who should have been a mansion.

The girl who should have been a home.

Coming Down

It's 4.15am

And I'm thinking about you.

Naturally.

I threw the flowers away today.

Four weeks later.

How they lasted so long I'll never know.

So I'm thinking about you.

And your smile. And your lame lame jokes.

And how much I cared (in so little time).

And I'm thinking, of course, how you'll never be mine.

"You're Beautiful"

Sometimes it can suck, being five foot two,

Like when I can't reach the memory, of you.

You wrote those words up so high on my glass,

Before you left, that's when I saw you last.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll wipe you away,
Or maybe I'll see you again, one day.

First Date

You spent the night between my legs,

My thighs gripping tight and my arms wrapped around you.

Breathing heavy, holding on for dear life,

As you showed me the city from the back of your bike.

Across The Sea

I spent the night in Paris, stretched out on the couch.

Your moves so slow, watching me watch you.

I tried to be professional, I tried to act cool.

But at the end of the night, you knew I wanted you too.

Luke

"Please don't break his heart.

Just don't do it Amy. Please."

Your voice was cracking, pleading.

But what you were really saying was

"Please don't break mine."

Or at least, "not again."

Fifteenth

He's kissing the sides of my face

And I'm thinking how easy it would be

But I'm lonely and I know

That if I kiss him I'll be stuck

And he'll be stuck on me.

Departure

I have this fantasy

Where I run into you at an airport.

At first, our eyes meet briefly

As we walk.

We both turn back and think

"Is it?"

Our tongues slowly wrap around

Each others' names.

I'm not sure if we're on the same flight.

But you tell me how good I look,

As I walk away.

Calling me back

And there's that fire again, same as that night

On the 31st floor

At the Shangri-La.

Wasting the room.

Pause

We're girls who wish we could freeze time.
Girls under pressure with high stress jobs.
Girls who want to live their lives;
With late nights on careless whims
But are trapped by Monday
Where we head back to the jungle
Back to management and responsibility,
And targets to hit 
Or you won't get paid...
You'll go hungry.
In the jungle.

I'm a girl who wishes I could stop time.
Hit pause for a minute .
Get a few extra hours of sleep.
Exercise. Cook healthy meals.
Or maybe just enjoy life while I'm young.
Smoke kush and make love.
Not worry about the consequences.
Not ever have to worry about Mondays.
Or Tuesdays, worse still.
Where you feel like the world is closing in
And you think "maybe the end would be easier..."
But you push through.
Only to do it all again.
Push through.
Welcoming the weekend
Only to do it all again.
Wishing you could hit pause.
Wishing you could freeze time.

Spiral

I was so sad, when I broke up with you.

And somehow, I thought that being alone would fix that.

But, as logic would have it, I kept falling.

Down.

The Invisible Girl

We met when you opened a door into me,

Hitting me square.

Because you didn't notice me,

You didn't see me there.

Then we got to know each other,

We got to see each others minds.

We talked of ideas and meanings,

Losing track of time.

But after our night alone,

The hours flew by then.

It was Christmas and a new day,

And I was invisible, again.

Graham

Being with You

Was like leaving the real world

And living in our own Kingdom.

The palace of your apartment

Looking down on the city.

You were this King to me

I was just a princess.

Because I told you I didn't want to be anyone's Queen

But really I knew, I would never be yours.

Calvin Klein

You were a male model,

And more insecure than I was.

We snuggled under blankets, on the couch,

We ate Tim Tams together and made love.

That really shouldn't have happened.

You told me to stop cracking my bones,

"You'll get arthritis," you said.

That really shouldn't have happened.

Patrick

Thinking back to the small amount of time we spent together;

It was never quite "right".

The time you hit me, the time you tried to strangle me…

But worst of all the time I tried to love you.

Betrayal

Even though I knew you were what she wanted,

I relished in the attention, making you mine.

Even though I knew it wasn't real,

Just a way to kill some time.

Even though I meant nothing to you,

Just a web, an elaborate lie.

That satisfying sensation…

Just a way to know I win.