The End

I've been wondering a lot lately,
If we'd still be together if I'd stayed on my meds.
I should have doubled the dosage
But I wanted so badly to feel.
I thought I was stronger,
I could handle the change.
But instead I withered
And drove you away.

Glenn

I used to get my best nights sleep in your arms.
But now it's like we're puzzle pieces, that were never meant to fit...

The Words I Never Got To Say

I really loved working with you.
And seeing you, every day.
And getting to know you.

Do you remember;
The time we played pool?
On the same team.

Do you remember;
The time we played pingpong?
You said how adorably uncoordinated I was.

Do you remember;
The time we played black jack?
Until sunrise, before we got asked to leave.

Do you remember the other games Jamie?
You played me since the first week we met.
But worse still, you played her too.

I think you're fun.
I think you're great.
I hope you don't think I was a mistake.

Waiting

I waited for Tom to wake up

I waited for Alistair to come back.

And now I'm waiting for Jamie

To find the confidence to leave her.

It's almost like I'm waiting

For a train that's running late.

It's almost like I'm waiting

For my life, what a mistake.

In the valley of the toxic females...

My first journey was when I was twelve or thirteen,

Dealing with abandonment issues from when

The ambulance carried mum away.

That was the first night I cried myself to sleep.

That's when #1 was my best friend.

Everyone wanted her to like them (I don't know why).

She just had that special something

But her glint

Soon turned to blade.

The valley was a lonely place with high cliff walls

And no escape.

Abandonment crept in again as I slowly

Started to rebuild, started to climb.

Six Months Later

"Your lips are like clouds," he said.

In that sexy fucking accent.

I always had a weakness for englishmen.

He thought we could win big,

And spend the night together.

But we didn't win at the tables,

And got politely escorted away.

We're still here, six months later.

He's still dating that girl.

I'm still mad about him.

Or just mad.

He likes me too.

I'm sure of it.

Doesn't he?

Doesn't

He

Alistair

You would have turned twenty five this week.
You would have been in America, still.
I would have been here.
I would have written you a message.
I would have tried to make it heartfelt.
I would have cried, writing it.
You would have asked me to Skype.
And I would have been awkward. But agreeable.
I would have told you how much I loved you.
I would have told you how much I missed you.
I hope.

It was your birthday on Monday.
I spent the day here, fighting back the tears.
Thinking about you.
Thinking about what could have been.
I think about you. Every day. Every night.
I fight back the tears.
Thinking, why did someone so good, have to die so young?
Thinking, why didn't I tell you how much I cared?
While you were still here. When you could have been mine.

You're in my heart. You're in my head.
And I'm trying to let go.
And I'm trying.

Coming Home To Nothing

"Your happiness doesn't live in Bali,"

He said.

"Your happiness lives in here."

His finger on my chest,

Reaching for my heart.

Little did he know,

It was buried much deeper.

Locked behind bars of defence,

Hidden by the wild vines of fear.

Trapped.

Alone.

And sad.

A Colleague

Somehow

(Even though we work under the same roof,

Seven days a week)

You barely see me.

Do you avoid me?

Do you avoid that sensation when your cheeks flush

(Red)

When we talk?

Do I make you nervous?

Because I know you make me weak.

Because I know you make me nervous.

Because I know you leave me breathless.

Because I know you'll never be mine.

Peter

You think I can be loved

You think you know me well

But when you don't quite get your way

I get a proverbial "go to hell".

It's strange to think of us

It's strange to think of we

It's strange to think we were together

And you still think we should be.

But now I've put my foot down

I don't want to live my life in reverse

But instead of talking, listening to me

I'm cut from your universe.

The To-Do Column

Your skin so smooth

Your smile so nice

Your eyes that glint

With a mischievous vice.

Your body strong

Your tongue on mine

You're reaching towards

Where you draw the line.

Jamie

Last night, talking with Jamie.
Last night, at the bar with Jamie.
Last night, winning pool with Jamie,
And he sets up my final last shot.

Meeting Jamie and falling for Jamie.
Jamie telling me how intriguing I am.
Jamie asking me if I lied to him about my age.
Jamie making sure I'm okay.

Jamie carrying my bags and Jamie saying;
"Let's just get one more drink!"
Jamie saying "sorry" about Christmas.
Jamie saying it's hard enough to see me at work three days a week.
But he still hopes I get the job.

Being with Jamie and time stops.
Being alone together in a crowded room.
Being told to keep back from Jamie.
"But it's not your fault. You didn't know."

In a parallel world, Jamie doesn't have a girlfriend.
In a different world, Jamie could be mine.

Gone

Well now it's been months and you're still in my head.
I can't wrap my mind around the idea that you're dead.
You were so new to me yet you had my whole heart.
And now I'm so empty I don't know where to start.
To hit restart. To his rewind.
What was ever really going through your mind?
Did you love me too?
Did you love me back?
Or was I a game, another girl on the track.
I'll never know your thoughts, your dreams.
Whether I was your future.
Or just ends to your means.

Posthumous

I'm on the train to teach and I'm surrounded by people. And all I keep thinking is how alone I am. As the tears well up. And I think about how hopeless I feel and wonder where all my dreams and ambitions went. When did I lose them? How? Did they fall out of my pockets? Spill onto the sidewalk? Did they fall at the same time you did?

Every day feels so hard. That same monotony. That same feeling of nothing. Nothing. No thing.

Psyche + Eros

You asked me why I was single, once.
"I'm too busy. Plus I don't believe in love," I told you.
You thought that was sad.
But you said you were too busy to be dating anyone, too.
Yet somehow we found time for each other.
Six dates in one week.
Countless messages, phone calls.
So many inside jokes as we wove the web of our private world.
In secret, for we didn't want to share what we had.
And then you left for your adventure, as you had planned.
"I'll see you soon," not "goodbye!"
Because you were coming back.
Because I was never good at goodbyes.
So instead you wrote me postcards on your travels.
You invited me to come join you, on the back of your bike.
See the world together.
We talked about what would happen when you returned.
We planned an idea of a life together.
Planned our next adventures.
Batgirl and the riddler. Against the world.
Our alter egos in our private world.
A world that's gone now. Broken into a thousand pieces.
Now that you're gone.
How can life go on when you're not coming back?
When every task seems a chore.
When every little thing reminds me of you.
Last time we spoke you told me I owed you a poem.
But this isn't what I was supposed to write.
It was supposed to be about happiness, love.
It was supposed to be about anything but this.
So now you go on to your next adventure.
Through the fields of asphodel and into elysium.
Into the great beyond.
Your taught me it was okay to love again and I fell for you.
Over and over again.
Forever in my heart, forever in my love.
I miss you already, Al.

Al

I LOVED YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.

The Model

I came to see you in Baan Tai.
Baan fucking Tai.
Well I guess it's not that far when you're already in Koh Phangan. Really.
You picked me up on your motorbike,
Like nothing had changed.
"Hey you," you said in that accent,
Like nothing had changed.
From last year when you lived in Sydney,
When we spoke every day.
When I was falling for you,
And when I was just a game.
I remember once, asking if you were happy.
"No. But I'm trying to be. Every day."
I wonder if you're happy now,
In Baan fucking Tai.
Where it's always summer,
Where you're always loved,
Where you ran away to.
And where I found you,
For just five days.
Where I tried to holiday.
And where you tried,
To start over.

Taylor Squared

So here I am. It's only 2:12am.

And my pupils? Totally dilated.

They've been like that for a while,

Before midnight. Before I saw you.

Traipsing back to your apartment,

As I stumbled, in arms, to the next bar.

That girl on your arm.

Like me but smaller.

Like me but different.

Do you cook her dinner?

Watch movies together?

Take baths?

Is it the same with every girl?

Or am I different? Am I the girl?

The girl who should have been a mansion.

The girl who should have been a home.

Coming Down

It's 4.15am

And I'm thinking about you.

Naturally.

I threw the flowers away today.

Four weeks later.

How they lasted so long I'll never know.

So I'm thinking about you.

And your smile. And your lame lame jokes.

And how much I cared (in so little time).

And I'm thinking, of course, how you'll never be mine.

"You're Beautiful"

Sometimes it can suck, being five foot two,

Like when I can't reach the memory, of you.

You wrote those words up so high on my glass,

Before you left, that's when I saw you last.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll wipe you away,
Or maybe I'll see you again, one day.