empty

yesterday L told me again that she is worried about me
L has been my best friend for a long time, only now the idea of friendship, with anyone, becomes daunting
it feels as though everyone is perched on the sidelines, peering through trees, desperate to keep an eye on me.
they think i dont eat, but if only my beloved L could see me now, eating.

its the holidays now (yay) and everything is strange, lethargic even
i went through my blog the other day and deleted most of my original posts.
its really strange that everything i originally planned on putting up here turned around a full circle and its become reflective.


yesterday, L was at my house, id been raving to her about the book id ordered in and how much i loved it (the hanged man by francesca lia block). the book was lying on my bed and i told her that that was the book id been telling her about. she read the blurb. it freaked her out. the book is about a girl named laurel, who lives under the hollywood sign. the book starts the day after her fathers death and describes a few days of her life and is an unflinching look at sex, drugs and eating disorders.

i read about the book online and couldnt have been happier the first time i read it (late last year). every second sentence was a delicious, liquid quote and it was everything i wanted to write - resolved around taboo teenage topics. and every chapter started with a tarot card, the depiction on this card being intertwined with the chapter.

the following quote is one that i adore, and that freaked out L:

“I will be thin and pure like a glass cup. Empty. Pure as light. Music. I move my hands over my body - my shoulders, my collarbone, my rib cage, my hip bones like part of an animal skull, my small thighs. In the mirror my face is pale and my eyes look bruised. My hair is pale and thin and the light comes through. I could be a lot younger than seventeen. I could be a child still, untouched.”

i unbelievably love this book. maybe these things are bad for me, as L says. maybe i should stop listening to the playlist i have on repeat, stop reading these books that i find so addictive. maybe it is these things that make me want to stop eating in the first place. its a shame i have such poor self control. for the next three weeks i aim to stick to a diet.

maybe if that works ill be happy.

bisous, rose