for once

... i like your idea of compromise.

i am ecstatic. ecstatic i am. waiting for the night that follows and what it might hold. (i feel happy)

the legendary...

who are you? why does your colloquial title start with 'the'? what gives you your reputation, your name? is it your charm? or your bad qualities? ive been warned about those...

why do you act the way you do? to me, to my friends. to not my friends? and i still dont understand why someone would say that about us. were friends. right?

i think youre a goldfish, overgrown from your bowl. a big fish in the little sea. lose your title, open up. i think theres more than what everyone can see. youre still mysterious to me.

...maybe ill take a swim in your fish bowl, try to understand.

please let me go.

rawwwr

maw reow.

we all have animal instincts.

conflict is this socially unacceptable thing.

but internally we are all selfish. we are all animals.

class of eight we clearly stay on topic.

how amazing is this pic?

bisous xx

back to school special

first of all youll diss me

then youll say you miss me

then youll kiss my friend

then want me again

but that will be the end

i should find a real boyfriend

back to school i go

and onwards goes the show.

school started again today.

but everyone is so changed. everything is different. and we are no exception. i hope we all remain friends but i guess we are growing up.

scares and heartbreak

the difference of love and in love.

i have never been in love. but i love so many. sparks are dying all around me. i am so scared of getting hurt.

i failed the test. i fail so many things...

im scared of tomorrow. im scared of him not feeling the same way. and im scared that the anonymous persons that people refer to in their musings are me. the negative words. that scares me too.

death and deconstruction

she knew death so well;

ate at his table

danced between his feet

kissed his cold lips

begged before him

desperate

alone

succumbing to his seduction.

amazing live sea monkeys!

fuck off fuck off...id rather sleep with sea monkeys.

speaking of which, what the fuck are sea monkeys anyway? how could a brand create something from a packet to end up 'alive'? most sea monkeys died an untimely death....but what kind of pet is novelty shrimp?

1.37 am

just got home.

i ashed on my tights, lost another pinkie ring and smell like a pretty little ash tray. i have to be up at 8am for work. i got chased. there was gees for a fight. bleeding lips. pride. apology texts. my life is eventful at times. (believe it or not)

burning desire

...light me up.

if you had a leopard what would you name it?

if you had a dragon how would you tame it?

if you had addiction how would you bare thee?

if you had me how would you love me?

casualty searching

with a courage in their blood and

a fire in their stare

purchases purchases purchases. successful morning!

i dream of successful closure this fine night. please? if i had a snake i would feed it sugar and dreams. it would be electric purple, blue and black. glitter and shine brighter and louder than sequins, liquid diamonds, amethysts, sapphires and jet. hiss hiss.

darker

dyed my hair.

it reflects my mood and what feels to be becoming. i am confused. still. why?? where does this leave me?

everything is trippy

everything changed today.

everything is tripping, i stumble over the rug pulled from beneath my feet. in the last hour or so everything has turned upside down. i dont know what will be the same anymore.

what are we doing. what the freak. *freak out*

something vague

how does she fit into all this? i prefer not to talk about it, in case shes listening oh im sorry. i didnt realize shes a real person. shes not. i made her up oh so shes not real. just as real as you or i

i dont think i understand

neither do i. but after i grow up i will. i mean a lot a lot of things are really unclear for me right now

blood music

so close to death she can taste it body looks wasted hates life hates you hates the way she looks naked

today was lovely. the weather was insane, and the day was hectic but amazing. i saw so many people who have been floating on the surface of my consciousness :)

hobobo...

the ladies of dogtown...

updates are in.

the dutch courage

the night is over yet fire dawns...

teenage wasteland...

all weekend i have been incredibly sick.

floating between life and sleep in a beige theme park of aches and shakes and sleep in a timeless blur. saturday and sunday hold no definition from one another.

my body is like a wasteland. i want to interact with my friends, male and female. i fear infecting others with my malady. i want to see surfy guy. i want surfy guy.

warm me from the inside out

real winter? my desire for you is over.
factors making me shake came back (aside from the cold).

i am so sorry:
i disobeyed the rules. i talked to him. i couldnt not. he was there today...
why wont you talk to me over him?

mmmm....

hi there surfy chick! (yes i know, your not a chick, surfy guy, really.)

...if only it was summer.

so fucked up

...and here i was thinking that things were bad already.

but no: here we go, down the rabbit hole into insanity. throw away the key lock me up string me high make me a spectacle for you and i. im not allowed to talk to him anymore

(how can you make these rules that you abhor? )

purposely untitled

today was another strange day.

i woke at Ls house which was lovely of course and spent the day with strolls and laughs and food. we went to manly for lunch where i saw M and my heart stopped. he had meant so much. it was weird and mortifying and all i wanted to do was to melt.

feelings for my new friend, drunkenly dubbed as "surfy chick". we have a shared dislike for being outside in winter and a shared like for snuggling to stay warm. hopefully well hang ten soon...

mystified

i have never been so mystified, perplexed, bewildered, even, in my life.

out of the blue today i had a message from a good male friend of mine. this message was asking me out.

so i just replied. about 7 hours later that while i treasure our friendship, i cant have a boyfriend at the moment.

and that i hope that we wont stop being friends. BUT heres the thing. as soon as one person puts their heart on the line friendships have no choice but to change.

everything is even more fucked up now. i need to go out tonight. the lovely mr R has invited me to his, where hopefully boy X will be. i think ill rope some friends into coming with me...

midnight musings

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known."

was chuck palahniuk so very, very right when he penned the above in his novel invisible monsters?

no matter how hard i try to think of brand new ideas and developments i keep thinking about the above. is this really a factor that contributes to my world?

im trying to heighten my senses through deprivation. i think thats kinda obvious in my own subtle ways... im taking control over at least one aspect of my life, and i feel so much better already. only one person really knows whats going on in my head at the moment regarding this. lets call him J. J and i had a very long, intoxicated, deep and meaningful chat last night at his. aside from getting completely inebriated it was a lovely night... very chill. but prevented ma mere from letting me out of these walls tonight. which was traumatic considering boy X asked me to go to his tonight.

i will never be sufficient

happy 4th

i hope patriarchy works out well for you.

its always a good night when rips are resewn.

fevers and mirrors

today im spending the day listening to bright eyes whilst sewing, reading the new frankie and nylon, painting my nails and thinking about what i want to write.

there are some memories i try not to recall, to retell out loud. it's not that i'm embarrassed or ashamed by these, it's more that i don't want these to wear out, fade away. these are the memories that i want to be mine forever.

then i spent the afternoon in a pensive state.

we all went out that night: you tasted like smoke, you tasted like sin. this time around i let you in. (i was shaking in his arms) i keep shaking when i should feel safe, and i dont think its just because its winter. i could be wrong...

avant-garde

navy blue eyeshadow and curly hair

(im trying new things)

empty

yesterday L told me again that she is worried about me
L has been my best friend for a long time, only now the idea of friendship, with anyone, becomes daunting
it feels as though everyone is perched on the sidelines, peering through trees, desperate to keep an eye on me.
they think i dont eat, but if only my beloved L could see me now, eating.

its the holidays now (yay) and everything is strange, lethargic even
i went through my blog the other day and deleted most of my original posts.
its really strange that everything i originally planned on putting up here turned around a full circle and its become reflective.


yesterday, L was at my house, id been raving to her about the book id ordered in and how much i loved it (the hanged man by francesca lia block). the book was lying on my bed and i told her that that was the book id been telling her about. she read the blurb. it freaked her out. the book is about a girl named laurel, who lives under the hollywood sign. the book starts the day after her fathers death and describes a few days of her life and is an unflinching look at sex, drugs and eating disorders.

i read about the book online and couldnt have been happier the first time i read it (late last year). every second sentence was a delicious, liquid quote and it was everything i wanted to write - resolved around taboo teenage topics. and every chapter started with a tarot card, the depiction on this card being intertwined with the chapter.

the following quote is one that i adore, and that freaked out L:

“I will be thin and pure like a glass cup. Empty. Pure as light. Music. I move my hands over my body - my shoulders, my collarbone, my rib cage, my hip bones like part of an animal skull, my small thighs. In the mirror my face is pale and my eyes look bruised. My hair is pale and thin and the light comes through. I could be a lot younger than seventeen. I could be a child still, untouched.”

i unbelievably love this book. maybe these things are bad for me, as L says. maybe i should stop listening to the playlist i have on repeat, stop reading these books that i find so addictive. maybe it is these things that make me want to stop eating in the first place. its a shame i have such poor self control. for the next three weeks i aim to stick to a diet.

maybe if that works ill be happy.

bisous, rose