whisper

theres something i need to tell you.

i dont think you want to hear it but if i dont tell you soon it will only be worse later.

the early morning caller told me that its probably happening

and

at the time i didnt think of the repercussions it would have on you

it will kill you to know that you lost

that the game is over for you, player two

should i whisper in your ear?

or let you find out via the vine of grapes, from the song of a little birdy?

internal trials... what to do?

honestly fictional confessional

Drawers are fantastic things. So simple in design, yet are capable of hiding, and revealing, so much.

For instance, I have many drawers. Some small. Some large. And I’m sure that if you were to open one, many things would be exposed.

My desk alone has two drawers in it. Open the top one and you’ll find pills that I don’t need to take, blatantly displayed. Hidden in a fabric purse, tucked away in this very same drawer, you’ll find cigarettes, papers and a lighter.

Under my bed there are more drawers, under the different fabrics and other commodities in the left drawer you’ll find contraception and Russia’s finest.

Through opening two drawers in my room it seems you’ll discover so much about me, about the kind of girl I am. Leave my drawers open and you’ll see how vulnerable I really am.

dear anonymous,

i cant help you.

i need to help myself. i am going no where.

stop pestering me. i love you. but please, shuttup.

all my love,

rose

lookbackattack

looking back in time:

so i reread a heap of old entries from ages ago as a means of procrastination...

its weird to think that boy x who i was 'adoring' is now the villain that calls and texts me at inappropriate hours, begging me to 'cum' over. oh dear.

i see through you. but thats not saying i wouldnt...

looking back through myself i keep thinking about all my mistakes and regrets.

sure there are certain things i wish i could have not done. but there are only a few of these.

there are things i wish i had done by now. but what can i do to change that? the ultimate?

hah.

study is for the weak. the coffee boys clearly throught i was bludging today. but its midterm break. one was asking me bout why i had the day off and the other gives me this smile and goes 'shouldnt you be at school or something' when i told him i had the day off he goes 'yeh sure' with that same smile. i swear all the males that work there must hit on like every customer.

additionally i really want to get a lookbook.nu account. another procrastination method or am i just really lame?

hells productive

study? limited.

creation of a one-of-a-kind web bracelet a la the ones pictured above? highly successful. for the win!

tomorrow im going to walk across the bridge to the rocks and buy more chain and finally complete all these projects (silver web bracelet, chain headband & multi-layer chain necklace)

yayayayay. why the hades would i study anyway?

its not like i have exams in only two days.

hahahahahahahaha

bisous bisous, rose xx

heroic?

i walk through the crowded, anonymous city at night with my heart in my hand

i hold under my arm a comic book, filled with the misadventures of the heros and villains who had once been my lovers...

at 4.30 in the morning i dont really need your call.

youre not in the comic book. youre an insatiable villain who needs a graphic novel of his own filled with blank squares for your lack of ambition.

ps. can anyone help me decode the villains secret message?

glowsticks and beaches

i love you i love you i love you i love you

thats all ive got to say

cant think of a better way

and thats all ive got to say

i love you is that okay?

tick tock

get your body moving

the time is now

and now is late.

i hate lateness. hate hate hate hate hate

shush rose stop winging.

...nobody wants to hear you blag.

lets escape the constraints of time with hands untouching...

the battle

arent you gonna come along arent you gonna fight arent you gonna hold your hand up to the night? white flag?

post-mortem civilization

one day this chalk outline will circle this city

bet you dont even know what that is....?

lets not let the chalk out the once existent life forms...

decay

oh the misguided sleuth

of today and tomorrows youth...

sometimes i think it would be easier to be a femme fatale

but then i remember that means i would have to die

strong and manipulative women cant survive

cant possibly procreate...

rip

its so sad... if we die, what changes?

sleazy silence

"but you love sleazy!?" - mw

no, actually. i dont think you and your cohort know me as well as you strangely think you do...

booty call on a school night? you make me chuckle mr x.

cinematic chaos. exit stage left. lights fade to black.

these are two different people, by the by.

the pinprick when a shard pierces your diamond hard heart

she killed the queen

the page

the king and the joker too

i killed the whole licorice allsorts mix of collectables with a kiss

because im horrible and deserve to suffer...

i danced between the flames, licking my wounds

pretending to laugh, pretending to smile

so the groundlings believed that everything was smooth and that clarity had settled, like glass

just like glass. sharp and cutting.

ill walk away before its my time in tears.

maybe you could just...

xx

distance

we say a silent goodbye, we run a few ks, we send a digital message cos a letter takes too long

walking takes even longer though.

then we will walk into the afternoon and i wont be able to breath cos i think you cant stand me. where are you? i feel guilty...

(the day is crisp) and i long for acceptance and inclusion

hypocrisy

...then stop reading? i dont know what should stop to make things fair i dont get what happened...

is it dead? or should i start trying to save it?

permission denied. i guess its goodbye?

goodbye to what? fun afternoon ahead...

i am the music i am the beat

boy that scratchin is making me itch.

oh buffalo gals. go round the outside. round the outside

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

yoyoyo deejay are you ja-mixing yeh?

your dj has only just begun this is a journey into sound...

10 days til d day. i wonder what happens when we meet again dee-shay?

i need to organise the night to result in perfection. i have to win.

teach me how to spin yeh?

cryptonight

1. im sorry that i dont appreciate you like i should. im sorry i feel defensive of you and sometimes feel like others win you over. i want to be closest to you, youre that amazing and magical and i love you so much, you are the best friend i could ever have. we have a lot of history as friends so i guess i well always have this.

but i guess i can master the material, i can be the creative, i guess i can be the magician

2. im sorry that you just like me as a friend. i really thought i felt something (and i thought you felt it too) but i guess its just too hard and it wont work because im just too f*****.

but i guess i can be alone looking down from my throne, i guess i can be the empress

3. im sorry that everyone just loves you so much more than they love me. i swear my own parents would rather you were their own child at times! i suck at the silent treatment and cant fight with you cos youre too lovely. im sorry im such a horrible person with such hostility and profanities. im sorry were on different levels

but i guess i can just be the dumb one, i guess i can be the fool

4. im sorry that you cant see what a good friend i am. im sorry that you dont realise i am here for you, defending you constantly to those that talk in hushed voices. im sorry that you dont feel the need to notice me escape into the night or to say sorry or to acknowledge me at all anymore. im sorry that you hate me and im sorry that you cried.

but i guess if we cant talk ill be intuitive and mysterious, too, i guess i can be the high preistess

5. im sorry that youre upset, that you didnt have a good night. im sorry that you feel like the way people acts makes your viewpoint differ. im sorry youre so confused and that youre so confusing. im sorry that that i didnt meet you earlier you are amazing.

but i guess that everyone at our age is confused, i guess we, or, i guess i can be the moon

6. im sorry we were never friends before. im sorry that other people made us have an unusual friendship and im sorry to everyone that we made people think they had to defend and define themselves as a better group

but i guess we can pull on together, through this fog-like strangeness, i guess i can be strength

7. im sorry im a wishy-washy friend. im sorry im not always there. and im sorry ive made mistakes. im sorry we dont maintain our afternoon adventures more. i cant wait for our adventures in six weeks. im sorry we dont have those immediate connections others have

but i guess together we can be the wanderers through unknown lands, i guess i can be the hermit

i guess the justice card is missing

i guess we should all kiss and makeup and find the missing one in the spread.

i guess then the scales will be balanced...

maybe? i want a star, the world, i am the devil too, and death. im the pack.

empty lovelessness

hows the holy matrimony of those without mouths going for you?

let me walk away alone while you ignore my words and my tears...

the battle

meanwhile, X, battling with her mind, cant keep up the strapless dress she covets.

failing, she floats home alone, again.

she needs advice but theyre on a different level to her

they dont have the communication, the social, skills she needed to interact with

they werent old enough in literal figures or in personal growth to handle what she had to say

to take what she needed, so desperately, to spit out without turning the situation to themselves and create something she didnt want, to pull attention.

she didnt want the attention on her. she didnt want anyone to notice that she was no longer herself.

slow realisation

so, something peculiar and near mystifying happens.

all you want to do is tell someone

but then you remember: youre not talking.

so you keep your lips sewn shut and continue downwards.

its getting cold

and, little girl, youre growing old.

additionally, who the fuck do you think you are charles? please explain yourself you egotistical boy... i really dont need extra burden/confusion right now. but wait, you wouldnt know that, would you....?

where are the wild things?

She was so in control of herself, no matter how different it looked to any passers-by. She skied parallel as fast as a car, one that would be in need of using a safety ramp on a highway, causing me to try so hard to keep up with her.

The thing was, when she was here I thought I knew everything there was about her. But now, when she’s gone, there are so many voids, gaps and spaces which I had no idea about, and it seems that I was no where near as close to her as I thought. I never knew anything about her, while she, she knew everything there was to me. She knew every tiny detail that constructed the bland simplicity that I am.

the descent

when you fall, everything around you changes. whether youre falling into abyss, nothingness or into the arms of someone you love, its always the impact that you remember, the force of when you touch.

her fall will be colossal. the birds and the butterflies will pause mid-air and sympathise, they know the strain it takes on your wings, staying air born. shes in a swarm of hornets and desperately needs to escape, they will sting and hurt her ethereal body, so light and delicate with wings the colour of tears reflecting the emotions of all. she needs to flit on, find something else, ride the back of a dolphin over waves of sorrow to an island where happiness is cultivated in flawless lines, prepared and injected. if she falls we all will. nothing will be left.

driving into delirium

I get it, youve got boys, I don't, please be more considerate and realise that you constantly reminding me of my loneliness is not going to make anything better.

last night i dreamt i was driving. this may be a simple, normal dream for many but the fact remains that i am completely freaked when it comes to cars.

my mind is spinning, ive caught myself in a headlock, i dont believe any of it...

(potentially, i just want to drown myself in the night. or in the water off your beach. i should have dealt with my problems while i had the chance)

waiting for your...

its so fucked up that im still waiting.

i want to hear your voice like nothing else.

kiss your lips

find that familiarity.

then do very bad things

they will kill me for this desire...

a wavering feeling of emotional nausea

fuck my life

like actually.

just love a saturday night spent

half uncomfortable

half crying

with people who make me want to wrap myself in soundproof bubblewrap

one in particular

you make my toes curl in the most unpleasant of ways

how dare you even dare you motherfucking lowlife whore of a bitch

who the fuck do you think you are?

sure my hatred is blood boiling obvious

but back off unless ur l.a

i actually loved the tiny morsel of the night i spent with you... tonight you were the silver lining

off to bed. or to soemhting else... not really sure.

i feel

my heads too blank to post anything.used up. disposable, like a camera. 23/24 shots used. theres something there still but not enough to care

you cant be fucked to develop me.

i sit at the bottom of you mind, a plaything of the past.

the fragile kept secrets, torn up in pockets.

i hope this night satisfies me...

oh how relevant

the irony drips wouldnt you say?

fuck you slogan teeshirts/hoodies.

the question on the tips of the tongues of the masses...

procrastination

you could write your 1500 word essay plus source analysises etc etc etc

OR you could:

- unpick the american flag forming ribbon/fabric on a tee shirt

- pack your bag for the next day (including costumes, hair and makeup)

- facebook chat/dnm

- clean and reorganise your whiteboard

- look at cool pictures

- edit/red-eye fix photos

- blog

mmm im productive

but ive put a deadline of three this morning at which point im meeting the brother in the kitchen for toast. then bed.

maww xx

befriending the enemy

...going behind what once seemed like enemy lines.

and finding that someone you talked about and 'knew of' was amazing and awesome and absolutely lovely and caring.

finding someone so willing to help you even though you dont really know them. wow.

youve totally won me over. i feel so horrible for once agreeing to help overthrow you... sorry!

life etc

"when i was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. when i went to school, they asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. i wrote down 'happy'. they told me i didnt understand the assignment and i told them they didnt understand life."

kafka

...he awoke to discover he had become an insect.

what happens when you rise from your slumber to discover that the phantasmagorical quality seen only in your dreams has transgressed into reality?

the midnight tower strikes the twelfth hour

as the night of fantasy comes to an end the twelve strikes are heard

and with that, every observer raised their hands to their visage and lifted

they lifted away the sequins, plaster, fabric and feathers

they lifted away the façades, the disguises and the tricks

they finally showed themselves, showed who they really were, behind their pretty masks.

the masquerade was over. for this night at least.

i realize this is really optimistic but i would like if everyone could take off their mask and let me know who they are. or i mean let me know theyre here.

this can be obvious, anonymous or just a hello.

maww, rose

the way you steal my breath makes me nauseous.

fill me with you ashy taste and envelop me in you warm aroma.

i hate to love to hate to love you collectively

gahhhhh go fuck yourselves.

make some fucking effort.

its not that far.

and youre not being fucking fair.

i hate that youre only there when its convenient for you

and that i have no idea whatsoever as to whats going on

i hate you

but i love you

and i hate that i love you.

tell me whats happening and let me fix my headspace.

fuck off.

we all crave drama...

does everything feel beige because it feels like everythings composed at the moment?

we are silent, the drama which we feed upon is gone. we need the sustenance it usually provides to survive the social jungle.

but is it just the calm before the storm?

what will happen next? will there be waves of fury or waves of tears?

...i hope its not a titanic sized incident.

xx

little red

there once was a little girl named scarlett.

she was all alone in the world and one day went for a walk through the trees into the urban jungle, wearing a red hooded coat.

scarlett wandered around alone through the parallel and perpendicular streets that all looked the same to her - with the same buildings and the same unsmiling civilians who may as well have been trees.

she wanted to get to the other side, to find the fresh air and the escape from the claustrophobic heights of the buildings forming a canopy above her.

she looked at her feet that she dragged around on the ground.

she couldnt walk any further. someone was blocking her way.

she look up at the tall, masculine figure in front of her, leering over with pointed teeth.

'come with me, little girl,' he said.

she had no choice but to go.

she was powerless.

waiting to be shaped

my wrist is honeycomb.

i am malleable.

mold me into what you want me to be

what do you want me to be?

or who?

strangulation

sometimes i just want to wrap my fingers around your pretty neck

and throttle you with my bare hands.

but id only be hurting myself as you mean so much to me that youre a part of me now

and that would be violent, also.

and i dont like physical violence.

hmmm

bad weekend.

over and out, rose.

staged living

gender is performative

-e.guy, period 5, friday 14.8.2009

i find this a very interesting statement.

but then i guess identity becomes performative too...

let me perform as a woman, not a girl, who knows exactly who she is. ill wear short short skirts and have intangible lips, painted bright fuschia. ill hold my head high and strut the streets with a glint of determination in my sapphire eyes.

my act will become my identity and no one will know, except for you.

but you wouldnt tell anyone its just a performance, would you?

friday

I am camera.

I stand on the hard concrete pathway, waiting, always waiting, the same as every morning. It’s always just after seven. Today, the sun is up and the clouds are minimal. I wait for my coffee, exactly the same as what I order each and every day. Someone is smoking a cigarette somewhere behind me, its scent filling my breath. I want to look around, to stare at the people around me but I am too scared, too afraid. My panophobia sets in. I fear taking that risk. I take my coffee and proceed onwards in my journey towards the day.

the first pair

as she pulled them on the first time they felt unnatural, restricting, awkward.

but slowly she grew used to them, they moulded to her like a second skin - soft, lustrous and cosy with feelings of sophistication and superiority.

as the days passed they grew into part of her, everyday she would put them on; silky white, over her elbows, with tiny buttons on the most vulnerable part of her wrists.

gradually, she began to depend on them, for it was only with them that she felt comfortable touching things, it was only with them that she felt it was safe to be touched. without them she was nothing, she was unworthy.

the gloves were her. they were her survival, her life in their satiny fingertips.

on my mind at 9.03

1. despite all the maths/extension english/ancient history/music work i have to do, all i want to do is watch chuck whilst eating toast then sleep

2. i want my fashion delusional brother to stop trying to educate me about life culture and drinking and how to be as socially awesome as he is. just buy me what i cant buy myself, drive me around and well have fun bonding. plan? yes.

3. how im the dumb one of us. i say this and i get 'but your topping maths!' its general maths. enough said.

(does it annoy anyone else that the journals they gave us have lines?)

at las t

so i have this theory ive been milling around in my mind for the past week or so.

so remember the greek myths? there was one about atlas. he carried the world (the globe/atlas whatever) on his shoulders

so i feel that this is the perfect metaphor for how i have been feeling lately.

so i know im melodramatic with what ive been saying so colloquially laterly

but everything feels so heavy. theres this weight on top of me smothering me, weighing me down. i cant breathe. im drowning. head held under the waves by something metaphorical. the weight of the world and my perils.

i hate that i keep checking if your there. who the fuck am i? i hate myself for this...

like/dislike

likes: spontaneous gifts, snuggling, 'the' moment, new music, photos that amaze me, the 'real' friends, prospective lovelies

dislikes: lack of replies, lack of sleep, you coming into my room messing up my stuff then leaving my door open, lovelies who are too uncertain, disapproval.

**new banner what do we think?

exs and ohs :P

WGS

im just so positively excited.

so excited, in fact, that i used capitals (above).

FREAK OUT! i hate capitals... unless they are absoloutely and utterly required to channel emotion :)

night night xx

naming rights

alaska

monica

jemima.

before we sink into some state of distate, sink into some urban chaos lets embrace what is still left. lets love the night, love for the night (yes even if its just one night), drink til the bottles empty and get blisters from our shoes.

lets go to parties that we know wont last the night, wear short skirts and dark makeup.

were not pretending (just trying really hard).

i think were alone in this queue for the themepark attraction of life.

lets take the rollercoaster.

front seat.

feel the thrill

taste the chill. xx

siren says

i just want to serenade you.

is that sad? this goes to many of you...

your soothing voice

speak up and say who you are. brave it. youre not so important that everyone can tell your voice, 'mister'.

why do you call on his behalf?

L1, L2, close doors, open doors, emergency call

the mood has completely changed

this is multi-faceted. like a rock, like a diamond, a diamond in the rough perhaps?

well im actually only thinking this on two levels actually.

i find it funny how quickly things get out. how once somethings in the open it can snowball so easily.

this also works for both the levels.

i dont really understand whats happening. and its affecting other elements and people that mean a lot to me.

actually this one works for both too.

hmmm xx

not sure why

...but i care too much. whhhy?

sorry. i know you dont want to hear it.

its is all a whirlwind of memories and assumptions in my mind. its a twister but it wont get me high enough to get to oz. somewhere over the rainbow. far far away.

technicolour and glittering good witches. more like a fairy, i think.

take me away, take me to oz.

mrs dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself

i cant sleep.

not long ago, i gave up hope

metamorphosis

im sorry for everything ive ever done wrong. (to you)

...it seems im not worthy?

(but ive changed, i swear)